Anger and Irritability and Frustration, Oh My! Part 2: How to Manage Anger
How can I have a healthy relationship with anger? How can I control it?
This is the second post in our series about anger. We’ve talking about what anger is and why we have it in a previous post. So how do we manage it? How do we help our children and teens manage anger?
There are many different ways to manage anger and be in control of it. Here are some of our favorite strategies:
Relaxation: calming your body down can help calm your mind and emotions. Practice deep, controlled breathing:
Breath in for 4 seconds
Hold for 4 seconds
Breath out for 6 seconds
Hold for 4 seconds
Repeat for several minutes
**Modify based on what works and is comfortable for you.
Check the facts: Sometimes our emotions don't match the situation, or the severity of the emotion is out of proportion to the situation. Checking the facts helps us use logic and reasoning to control our anger and calm down. Examples of questions to ask yourself:
Are you interpreting the situation correctly? Are there other possible interpretations?
Are you thinking in extremes (all-or-nothing, catastrophic thinking?)
What is the probability of the worst happening?
Even if the worst were to happen, could you imagine coping well with it?
If you are still faced with a big problem, then start the steps below.
Opposite action: Anger often tells us to take action, and sometimes those actions are not helpful or potentially harmful. If you notice an urge to act on anger, like to throw something or hit someone, choosing an opposite action and following through with it can make you feel more calm. For example, try the following actions that are opposite to anger:
Half-smile
Stepping away from a person or situation where you want to lash out (note: avoidance in other situations is not always recommended)
Engage in relaxing activities
Do an act of kindness for someone, especially if you are mad at them
Lower your voice instead of yelling
When we act opposite of anger, our brains have a hard time staying angry. Opposite action also works well when our emotions don't fit the facts.
Challenge unhelpful thoughts: have you ever had unhelpful, untrue, or irrational thoughts about a person or situation that made you angry? It happens to most of us! Recognizing and challenging these thoughts can help us feel less angry. Even if a thought is true, it may not be helpful.
For example, if an employee messes up my order at a restaurant, instead of thinking "they should have gotten it right, it wasn't a complicated order", I could instead think "mistakes happen, and they seemed really busy".
Time-limited distraction: Time-limited distractions up to 30 minutes can give you some time for your anger to cool off. Importantly, make sure to take your mind off the trigger for your anger. Afterwards, you can come back to the trigger for your anger when your logical brain is more in control. Here are some ideas for time-limited distractions:
Go for a walk or run
Listen to some music
Read a book
Practice a hobby
Clean or organize
Play with a pet
Talk to a friend (about a different topic)
What do I do if my child/teen is angry?
It can be challenging to help your child/teen manage their anger, and you may even have your own frustration or anger too. Here are strategies to help your child/teen control their anger:
Notice your own emotions: seeing your child or teen angry or upset can be hard for parents. It's important to notice your own emotions and become comfortable with being uncomfortable when your child/teen is angry. Remember, anger is a normal emotion that children and teens feel! Try to be in control of your own emotions when your child/teen is upset. It's okay to take a step back to calm down first if you need to. Modeling a calm response to anger and when angry will help your child/teen stay calm.
Let the emotion pass before problem-solving: In many cases, when someone is having an intense emotion, they are not using their logical brain. Reasoning with them can be really tough. Some parents/caregivers describe this like "a switch being flipped". When this happens, using logic or trying to reason with your child or teen will most likely be really difficult if not impossible. Some children/teens have even told us that they just want their caregivers to listen in these moments of intense emotion. This can be hard for caregivers because they often want to jump into problem-solving mode or explain why the reaction does not fit the situation. It can also be emotionally challenging to watch your child/teen be really angry or upset. Practice waiting for the emotion to pass and your child/teen returns to a more calm and logical place before problem-solving. The strategies below can help you manage your child/teen's anger before you come back to problem solving.
Validate feeling/reflective listening: When a child/teen is angry or upset, practice reflecting the feeling back to them, even if you do not agree with the cause of the anger. Validation and reflection do not necessarily show agreement; instead they show that you see the other person's emotions and understand them. This can be very powerful! Focus on the emotion, and you can revisit the cause later. For example, trying saying something like "I see that this situation made you really angry, and I understand that" or "that situation would make me angry too".
Tip: practice labeling and reflecting emotions around your child/teen regularly. Make sure to label the full range of emotions (happy, sad, scared, mad, ect.). This will help your child/teen learn to identify and talk about their emotions. It can also help clarify any misunderstandings!
Offer healthy actions for managing anger: Children and teens are going to get angry, just like adults. It's important to teach them healthy ways to express and manage their anger. This is especially important if your child/teen has undesirable ways of showing anger. Teach them the healthy time-limited strategies that you use to manage anger, or the ones discussed above. Offer praise or positive reinforcement when they use these strategies when angry. Some strategies that are especially useful for children/teens are:
Listening to music
Read a book
Hug or play with a pet
Use a fidget toy
Practice a hobby
Note: the goal here is not to "reward" anger or problematic expressions of anger. The goal is to give your child/teen time to calm down before addressing the cause of anger.
At Richmond Family Psychology, all of our providers are trained in helping young children, teens, and adults manage uncomfortable emotions like anger. Dr. Sarah Pittman in particular specializes in helping older children, teens, caregivers, and adults manage anger. Contact us today to learn more or schedule an appointment!
